Flanked by his long-time assistant Rick Calamaro, one of his muses and his “musical director” Simon Rex, the Two and a Half Men star opened his show by thanking his sponsors — SelfDiscipline.com and Tiger’s Blood — before launching his maiden web show voyage. Highlights follow.
1. Charlie does a news segment in which he only highlights news about winners — including this story about a victorious bald eagle with an unfortunate name.
“This is a story that I kind of questioned, although there is an absolute ‘win’ involved in this story but tell me, am I reading this wrong? ‘A bald eagle crashed into a windshield and has recovered. Weagle the Eagle is now flying again.’ But probably not rolling with his posse because they renamed him ‘Weagle.’ Still a win. Still winning. But let’s take some online name submissions because ‘Weagle the Eagle’ — regardless of all of the street cred that he has now — I just don’t think that name supports his winning ways.
2. Charlie takes (and autographs) a Polaroid picture of himself for an 80-year-old fan of his on Twitter.
“Josie Dimples is an 80-year-old woman who tweeted me and said that she is now ‘winning.’ She is winning inside of every bone. So, Josie Dimples, we salute you. And clearly, Josie Dimples, you are a winner. […] We’re going to shoot one Polaroid per show. I’m going to sign this before it even develops because I know that once it develops with my signature on it, it’s worth a fortune. [..] I’ll make this a work of magic warlock art.”
3. Charlie interrupts his show to take a call from “the president.” Only technological problems ensue.
“Ok, so that call from the president didn’t happen but I have absolute faith that it will.” [Editor’s Note: It never does.]
4. Charlie Sheen asks his audience to submit their favorite Sheenisms via Twitter.
“The past couple weeks has been me cresting on a mercury surfboard on a tsunami, headed toward them. And so, during this odyssey, there has been a lot of wordsmithing that has fallen gracefully from this beautiful hole. [Points to mouth]. So, it’s caught on like an absolute global wildfire. I mean, how couldn’t it? Duh! So, we’re asking you now, what are some of your favorite lines that this warlock brain produced?
5. When Sheen’s Twitter followers do not remember his sayings word-for-word, he harasses them on-air.
“What is that word? This is not even a line I said. Pay closer attention, losers. As I like to say, ‘Get a job!’”
6. Charlie debuts his new tattoo which of course, says “WINNING.”
7. Charlie responds to a question about the new iPad.
“I mean, I don’t really have an opinion on that. I don’t, like, research this. Apple is winning. Certainly. It is the greatest company ever.”
8. Charlie reveals the only people he would trade places with…for ten minutes.”
“This is a softer segment now, called ‘Kinda Wish I Was Them…For Ten Minutes’ — which is a long time for a mad warlock genius like myself. Colin Farrell. […] Because he’s just as groovy as they get because yeah, I want to be you for ten minutes. […] Brian ‘Fear the Beard’ Wilson. Don’t even speak. […] He’s just better than you. I don’t care who you are. […] Sean Penn. And I guess I only want to be you for the ten minutes when fists were just making contact with those loser faces. Boom. Crush. Night, losers. Winning. Duh.”
9. After sweating profusely throughout the first 30 minutes of Sheen’s Korner, Sheen yells at his production team.
“Can we spend a little money on air conditioning here?! Or are we like ‘lower budget?’ Open a window! Or do we not want the sound in this secret chamber to escape out into the normalcy of Humanville?”
10. Charlie mocks NBC News correspondent Jeff Rossen, who interviewed Sheen last week.
“What I thought would be funny is if I took this gentleman, this media personality and I sort of turned the tables on him. I’ll lean in really close, with the good lighting on me and the bad lighting on him and say, ‘You know, Jeff, what was the foam on that first beer like?’ In the promo, I’d cut to him just blinking and looking down…because he is shamed by his actions. ‘So Jeff, tell me about that first Advil. Was it the Advil that led to the Aleve? When did you know that you hit rock bottom? When you went to the all-night CVS to score at 4 in the morning?’ He couldn’t Aleve it alone.”
11. Charlie closes Sheen’s Korner with his own poem, ‘The Big White Phone,’ which he tried to sell years ago, “before people realized how bitchin’ I am. It sold six copies.”
‘In the twisted times of a rotten game,
Where flood waters raised coffins from pain.
Where the worms of freedom have all gone insane,
I plucked them or sucked them from the heart of my brain.
When the edge of confusion appears in disarray,
It’s an act of delusion dead babies would say.
When the clock’s final ticking exposes your day,
It’s your balls that will be clipping from the dock of the bay.
When leaders ring true in the eye of the mass,
Their blood turns cold blue while the dogs eat the grass.
Their painful decay sends a snake up your ass,
The act of delay they promise will pass.
Until we find from true release the volume of our moans,
They pack our bags with sullen peace while their children sleep alone.
When these acts of truth arrive in time,
Please read them high in tone.
I’ll be heaving bile in a vicious style,
As I talk to the big white phone.”