BREAKING SUPER DOUBLE WINNING EXCLUSIVE!!!
It's taken a while, but if I've learned one thing, it's that feral cats are notoriously unreliable. Here is the long-anticipated Part II of the Out of Context exclusive interview with Snowball, the Utah Feral Cat, in which we learn of the White Cat Prophesy, Snowball's feral Tiger blood that will make your face melt off, and other juicy kitty nuggets.
And if you missed Part I, you need to check it out. It is the best thing to come out of the legislative session.
Q: It sounds as if you support amnesty for feral cats. Should feral cats be allowed to get in line in front of cats (a Russian Blue, for example) that go through the normal pet adoption process?
SNOWBALL: Feral cats do not support amnesty because ferals are already free. While domesticated cats might find living inside a house and being given everything by their masters enjoyable, feral cats enjoy the freedom to live our lives outside of human influence. We don't want or seek a pathway to domestication.
Feral cats biggest concern is that the State of Utah has failed to recognize the contributions that we have made to this state. Instead of thanking us for controlling the rodent population and giving cat ladies a purpose in life, we get harassed with bills like HB210. We need a comprehensive feral cat policy, instead of an enforcement policy. Enforcement only laws will force feral cats back into the shadows. Some have suggested a guest feral cat program to bring us out into the open. We are open to this idea and any program that won't break apart feral cat families.
Q: Some have suggested that you're an agent of a foreign government. Is that true?
This is unequivocally not true. This rumor and others like them are created by the Coalition of Field Mice and their political allies to destroy feral cats. They understand that feral cats are the key to bringing the United States back to the basic principles that the country was founded on. Being feral means individual responsibility, limited government, and fiscal responsibility. This is the exact opposite of the progressive movement driven by house cats and the Coalition of Field Mice.
There will come a time in the near distant future when our country will be in great peril. The mice will have overrun the cities and people will be taking the law into their own hands, trampling on Constitutional rights and the liberties of both humans and animals. The Constitution will hang by a thread. At that moment, the nation will turn to feral cats as their white knights. They will exterminate the mice that have ruined our cities. They will bring back law and order to this country. The Constitution will be saved by feral cats.
The Legislature is seeking to take wolves off of the endangered species list. Do you stand with wolves? Or encourage the hunting of canine brothers?
Keeping the wolves on the endangered species list has allowed them to become a danger to a free feline society. They create terror in our communities and could strike at any time. We should not have to live each day knowing that a wolf could attack. We need to take the battle to the wolves instead of allowing them to plan terrorist acts against innocent animals. We support legislation to remove the wolves from the endangered species act and allow ranchers, hunters, drunk teenagers, and anyone who owns a Browning 1911 to shoot the wolf.
We also would like to put feral dogs on the list of species sponsoring terror. A wolf and a feral dog are more similar than they are different. Both canines live free of human masters and the both have corrupted the ideals of man's best friend, the domesticated dog. We stand with Lassie, Eddie from Frazier, Tiger, Old Yeller, Gidget the Taco Bell dog, Spuds MacKenzie, Santa's Little Helper, and many other dogs who have preached a peaceful concept of dogs living in harmony with cats. We honor and respect their beliefs.
I want to make it absolutely clear that I am NOT Utah Feral Cat. I wish I was, but I'm not that clever.
It's unclear if Snowball will do another segment this session. He got a little skittish from all the attention certain television stations lavished on him after Part I. Paranoia and reclusiveness are part of what makes a feral cat feral. But if you have questions to offer, feel free to throw down some recommendations.
-- Robert Gehrke